I know the title to this is probably making you think that I’m crazy & the fact that there is probably some truth to that is beside the point of where I’m going with this blog. 🙂
Last night in women’s Bible study, we’re currently doing Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst, & one of the discussion questions was, in the last 24 hours how have you felt unloved, or rejected? Well, I brought up that my husband is some times emotionally disconnected, especially this week. It’s not his fault, he had cancer a while back and from the chemo & radiation treatments there’s scar tissue on his brain that affects his emotions and ability to express them, plus, he’s a guy-they are naturally disconnected! But this week has been really rough for reasons I won’t go into detail on but on Tuesday evening I just needed him to listen to why I was upset and just wrap his arms around me and love on me. He failed to do that. He wanted to talk about things and see how we could fix them or get ahead of the issue. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want him to be the fixer that he usually is, I just wanted comfort. But due to my high emotions I failed to let him know that because when my emotions are running high I’m not good at communicating what I need. Again, not my husband’s fault but I was blaming him. So therefore I felt unloved and rejected because my emotions were telling me that my husband didn’t give me what I wanted.
I know that’s not true. I know that my husband loves me. He loves me more than anything in this world. In my husband’s eyes it’s me over everything. I know that! But due to the level of stress I was feeling and the way my emotions were running rampant I let myself feel rejected because instead of my husband just listening to listen he wanted to help me feel better and wanted to fix it. That’s how the devil works. That’s how he will wedge into your marriage and relationships by making you feel unloved or rejected because in the moment you didn’t get what you wanted.
It would have been different if I would have told Matt, “Listen, I don’t want you to fix it. I don’t want to talk about it I just want you to listen and love on me.” he would have understood and done just that. But I didn’t specify what I needed. Not even when he was talking about how to fix it or what we could do to get a head of what’s going on, I just sat there stewing in my emotions. Not helping the feeling of rejection.
That is a common mistake that I make. Sometimes my communication skills are not top-notch, more often than not. That’s something I struggle with. I just feel like Matt should know what I want without me saying it. That’s not how it works. Heck, no one can read minds (haha) so why I think my husband has that super power I have no idea.
But later on in the Bible study one of the ladies was talking about how Jesus’ love is like the love of a child. You can fuss at your child or get on to them about something and they still love you. You can turn your back on Jesus, neglect Him over and over again and He still loves you. It’s unconditional. I don’t have children but I have dogs, and a dogs love is the same way. My dog Freya, has a tendency to chew on things that aren’t hers. For example, my shoe. She chewed my shoe, I whipped her with the shoe told her she was a bad dog and then no more than 2 minutes later she was laying on the couch beside me snuggled up with her head in my lap. A dog’s love is unconditional. My husband’s love is the same way.
On Tuesday evening I yelled, I yelled a lot for like an hour because I was so upset that he didn’t just know what I needed (again, my own fault) I got so worked up I ended up sulking and going to sleep. 2 hours later I woke up and went into the living room, Matt hugged me, asked me if I was hungry and if he could fix me dinner and he had already walked all the dogs. He never brought up my yelling and craziness from before I went to sleep it was as if it never happened. Just like a dog. I yelled, was mean and it wasn’t even anything that Matt had done to cause my attitude but I took it out on him. But instead of holding a grudge and still being angry when I woke up from the 2 hour nap he was loving and sweet.
And that is how it’s suppose to be. Unconditional. You aren’t suppose to keep score in arguments with your spouse. You should be able to blink and get over something because your marriage, your relationship it’s more important then an argument. I’m not saying that the topic of the argument isn’t important but there’s a better way to go about it. Last night, in Bible study it hit me. Matt doesn’t know what I want all the time. That’s not his “job” as my husband. Part of his job is to love me, Matt expresses his love by trying to fix things so I’m not hurt. He hates to see me hurt or upset so he wants to know how he can fix it. If I want him to go out of his nature then I need to tell him.
In my opinion, that’s where women (myself included) mess up in relationships. We see this fluffy, cupcake love on TV and movies and we want that, we expect it in our own relationships but what we fail to see is that’s not real, it’s a script and acted out by actors. I’m a sucker for Nicholas Sparks books and the books that get turned into movies and Hallmark movies, because they’re the perfect (imaginary) love story. The guy always gets the girl, it always works out and they live on cloud 9 happily ever after. But my favorite Nicholas Sparks book/movie is probably The Notebook because it’s as close to real as it gets. Noah & Allie fight, they argue, but they still love each other. The arguments never consumed their relationship more than their love did. And to me that is real. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, or a love that’s cupcake and perfect all the time. I mean yes, love is sweet, fun and good but at times it’s also messy and chaotic. It’s just how it is.
So yes, my husband’s love is like a dog’s love and it’s a great love because no matter how crazy or messy it gets or how mean I am at times he still loves me just as much as he does when I’m all together and sweet. and most importantly…He loves me like Christ, unconditional and without keeping score of the mess ups.