Being Me, Not My Anxiety.

anxiety-words

anx·i·e·ty

aNGˈzīədē/
noun
 1.a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
2. a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

 That’s the basic definition of what I deal with on a day-to-day basis. Some days I’m fine other days I’m making up situations in my head of “what if” scenarios and biting my fingernails to the quick. Yes, it’s that serious.

I’ve tried different prescribed medicines but they all make me feel like a zombie & make me want to sleep ALL.THE.TIME. I had absolutely no energy so I don’t take them. I’ve also tried over the counter remedies as well but never feel “normal” on them either so I’ve learned to manage it without medication & again, some days are just better than others.

What do I define as normal? Well, on my good days I’m perky, talkative and I can go into the grocery store by myself or sit next to someone at a red light without feeling like everyone is looking at me and the world is caving in. That’s my normal. My bad? When I just feel groggy, weighed down & when I’m in the isle at Wal-Mart & more than 1 person is sharing it with me & I all the sudden can’t get enough air and start breaking a sweat and feel like I’m in quicksand.

I’ve seen a couple posts on Facebook before about “What People with Anxiety want their Friends to Know” & most of it is true, but not everyone who deals with anxiety deals with the same stuff. So this is me and what I want my friends to know about me & my anxiety.

  • I don’t want to be known as my anxiety. It’s honest to God hard to live with without medication but again, I hate feeling like a zombie so it’s something I just deal with. And my anxiety is not something I like to talk about because sometimes I feel weakened by it. I’m not fragile, so please don’t treat me as I am.
  • I’m not good with large crowds. If you know my church then you know this is a crazy statement but it’s a true statement. When walking into church I have noticed I tend to look down rather than around at the people. Again, that’s not me being stuck up its me being able to make myself a focal point so I can keep myself calm and focus on my breathing and make to a seat without having to rush outside just to feel like I’m able to breathe.
  • I sometimes create situations in my head that are nowhere near true. For example, today I text one of my girl friends to ask her if we were ok because *I’ve* felt tension between us the last few times we spoke. She said we were good & she hadn’t felt anything on her end. I knew that we were more than likely fine but due to my anxiety I was creating something that wasn’t there and working myself into a panic over it. (something that just happens from time to time)
  • I tend to feel left out even when I’m more than included. For example, last Saturday we were out with our Sunday School class, we went to dinner & bowling. I had a lot of fun but as we were leaving my husband gave me the car keys and went back inside to say goodbye to some people he missed and I was just walking behind some other people who I had already said goodbye to. They weren’t leaving me out they had just got a head start to the car, but in my mind I was left out of the conversation they were having. (again, something that just happens from time to time, it doesn’t always make sense but that’s anxiety)
  • I feel the need to be liked. I can drive myself into a panic attack if I feel that I’ve hurt someone’s feelings or if I think about someone not liking me. My husband tells me all the time that it shouldn’t matter what people think & I know he’s right but I like to be liked, my anxiety likes for me to be liked. It’s just part of the deal.
  • Some days I’m an emotional wreck. I can cry at literally anything and I mean anything. For example, a few nights ago Matt shut the refrigerator door just the right way to knock off a snowman magnet that my mom gave me & it broke in half. It’s fixable but I didn’t see that at the time, all I saw was the magnet my mom gave me in 2 pieces and I cried for twenty minutes.

Those are just some of the main things about me & my anxiety. However, I’m pretty sure the worst part about having anxiety is when I’m talking to someone who does have it & they say, “Well that’s just silly to feel left out.” or “Well maybe you should pray about it.”

It’s not silly. It’s a mental disease, it’s not something that I can just “get over”. And I do pray about it. If it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be able to handle myself as well as I do without medication. I don’t bite my nails as often as I use to, I’ve gotten better at being able to go into grocery stores or Wal-Mart alone and I’ve learned how to help myself calm down when a panic attack does hit in the middle of a public place. My biggest hope is that people will stop treating mental illness lightly just because you can’t necessarily see the effects of it. 

 

 

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